"Considering Quality" with Vice President of Quality Control Bradford J. Kensington III
Volume 1: What's In A Words?
Greetings, Inter-Net Republic.
My faithful assistant Annie informs me that once this hand-written essay leaves my desk, it will pass through a Computing Appliance into a series of distribution tubes, making its way to several other Computers, perhaps as far away as New York City. Bravo, Progress! We welcome you with open arms at Baffington and Sellers.
Today's topic is the Power of the Written Word.
Recently our Executive Leadership Team has been re-imagining our firm's core self-identifying tag-line, or "Brand Paragraph" as we in the ad game refer to it. In a well-meant but misguided gesture, someone from Creative suggested we open this process to the public audience congregated at our recently erected Inter-Net macrosite.
One of many ideas came from a Miss Betsy X.
I was just going to recommend,
Baffington & Sellers: "We do everything."
I think it’s smashing, because it’s easily customized, enhanced and maximized (not unlike Baffington’s clients’ results). Also, don’t tell anyone that “everything” translates to “nothing”. That is monkey piddle. Clearly, everything means everything, and B&S does nothing short of it.
--Miss Betsy
With apologies to our readership, this sort of ham-fisted chicanery is exactly WRONG, and it begs a response. As I have just dotted the last
i on our final, approved new slogan (due to appear very soon across B&S collateral), such duty falls to me. And I take it very seriously.
In that spirit, then:
Dear Betsy,
Superior writing is about WORDS, my dear girl, and lots of them. You have proposed a woefully inadequate total of three. Even now I chuckle into my martini napkin to think of it. Moreover, two of your three words--"we" and "do"--are exceedingly short and to the point.
You plainly have no grasp of the objective of marketing.
In my time with this firm, I have been personally involved with HUNDREDS of words crafted for the profitable benefit of such top-shelf clients as Pucker Pickles, Piney Mountain Hollow County Rural Water, and Dollar World. Furthermore, I have personally been witness to tens of millions of
world-class advertisement campaigns during my six decades in the marketing realm.
I know Quality Wordcraftsmanship, Betsy. And high-quality writing simply DOES NOT include language like “do.” Next you will be suggesting the word “it”!
Have industry giants displayed such truncated, deficient verbiage in their branding efforts, Betsy? Mac-Donald? American Express? Milk?
WELL, NO.
NO Betsy. NEVER, Betsy.
I hope you now understand why the writing and creating is best left to those of Executive Intelligence. Good Day to you, Miss X.
And, good reader, Good Day to you as well.
--BJK III
[photo: Southernpixel]
Today's question comes from Mr. Brett McCoy, in Charlotte:
"Maybe I missed something, or just don’t understand completely what the topic is about. So let me ask in hopes of not looking foolish - WHAT IS THE INTERNET?"
Mr. McCoy, thank you for your forthright vulnerability. It is a rather difficult concept and would benefit from 4-6 years of collegiate study to begin the understanding. This is why you must partner with the professionals, and we certainly welcome that partnership here at Baffington & Sellers.
The Internet, not to be confused with television or computers, is much like television on computers.
Before Internet was invented, computers were only used for processing words and launching missiles. America's captains of industry wanted more. They wanted ubiquitous brand penetration and captioned images of felines.
Following in the footsteps of electronic-mail, Internet was invented in 2005 by the United States for the purposes of the leveraging the magic of computers, greasing the gears of commerce, and securing our lead in technology against the Communists.
Now, I understand more than anyone, that Internet is a difficult concept to grasp at first glance. Think of it as the "third dial" on the television set, bypassing the capacity of UHF. Think of it as radio with animations and textings. Think of it as a nearly portable moving picture studio supernaturally joined to dozens of cinematic projecting devices. In Panasound and Technicolor!
Internet is regulated by the FCC. In order to initiate communications over Internet, a license must be granted by an authorized registrar. Right now there are two registrars in the United States: Microsoft and Linux.
Leaders in technology now leverage Internet on an almost daily basis. How? They establish sites, or "basecamps", on Internet that allow for communication. These sites require an FCC Domain Function, an "Inter Professional address" and a standard operating broadcast tower of no less than one hundred and forty yards in height.
The five levels of sites are:
- Level 1: Microsite
- Level 2: Minisite
- Level 3: Intranet ("Macrosite" in the technical vernacular)
- Level 4: Internet
- Level 5: Extranet
In 2007, The Google Corporation purchased Internet. With this acquisition, Google has brought the broadcast of Internet to the masses. Affluent American citizens (perhaps much like yourself) can now view what was once reserved for corporate America and our Military.
Today, what really makes Americans so gay about Internet is its ability to communicate and allow for the factual flow of information. Thus, the idea of using Internet as a tool for reaching consumers is most cutting edge. It is no game, good sir. No game. In this era's cutthroat Internets of YourTubes, FaceBanks, and Electronic-Bays, we can scarce afford it such frivolous status as gamery.
In 2009, Baffington & Sellers quantum jumps to the fore as one of the first leaders in the industry to harness the power of Internet for the purposes of marketing. This is nothing new for our firm--we were one of the first to tame the radio waves.
As always, if you have further questions please
initiate communications with our Internet anytime.
[photo: monoglot]
The following has been sent over the News Wire:
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
February 26, 2009 - CHARLOTTE, NC
"Baffington & Sellers continues to grow with a milestone achievement in the world of technology."
Today, marks a technological milestone for the Charlotte-based marketing firm, Baffington & Sellers. The agency has just completed its launch of its Twitter homebase. With this achievement, the agency continues leading the way in communications, setting it apart as the premier marketing agency in the Southeast.
"Baffington and Sellers once again takes the lead," says President Matthew Baffington. "When technology throws us a curve ball, we continue to take up the slack and leverage new forms of digital prowess for our clients' gain."
The firm's Twitter homebase is located at "http://twitter.com/Baffington". The technology will serve as a touchstone for clients and for the public to learn more about the personages behind the business suits of marketing.
Baffington & Sellers is a premier full-service marketing firm with its international headquarters in Charlotte, NC.
###
[photo: mrbill]
My God—it's worse than I thought.
People, I cannot emphasize with more gusto than I have already done to our world-wide audience via Internet. Social Media, "new" Media, Tweeters—these are not that with which you should play! These are for the professionals only, and even then, only those with the prowess and savvy of an intellectual powerhouse.
Another article from the good people at The Guardian (I could only read portions of it):
Greenfield warns social networking sites are changing children's brains
Yesterday, I was creating a piece of toast. From the transition of bread to toast, the toaster appliance began to make a buzzing noise. To address the situation promptly, I removed my spoon from which I was using to stir my morning vodka in order to pry the half-bread/half-toast from the appliance. Alas I received a shock, and urinated through my pajamas.
See—even between man and the simple appliance, care must be taken. Leave social media to the marketing experts. Experts like Baffington & Sellers.
[photo: thestarmama]
I would like to bring this down to a personal level.
I have traversed this Great Land of ours called Earth many, many times. From Oak River to Indiana to North Carolina -- I have seen many peoples, had discussion with many members of all sexes, and have been witness to many dangerous things. Through the years, I've enjoyed the best scotch, drank the best vodka and smoked many cigarettes.
However, today I have been witnessed to something horrible. The danger of social "new" media. Long gone are the days where we could let our children roam the world a mere 1,200 days from the womb. We are truly now living in a dangerous society.
Today, this URL was published in Daily Mail:
Social Websites Harm Children's Brains
In the 50's, when the magic of television began to spread throughout Uncle Sam, we had a similar worry -- that the micro-waves from the Temptress Tubes all over would melt the cerebral cortex of a child lesser than nineteen years of age. Now, we are inundated with all sorts of "red light" media.
So, as a personal note from me, please leave social media to the professionals. This is not to be "played-with". Twittering alone brought our very own staff of highly-trained individuals to their knees, though we did prevail.
Be safe,
Matthew F. Baffington
[photo: tanyaryno]
Selling the deal is an art form. Nay, a science.
Selling is a controlled form of persuasion, and must carefully executed, lest your customer fall into enemy hands. What's the answer? You need an experienced marketing company (like Baffington & Sellers) showing you how to sell to those tough customers.
You see, selling is much like dating. You want reveal the goods, but not too much. Tease a little. It works every time. In fact, I always show half of everything and do half of everything. See this beard I have? It's brought me success in not only dating, but sales.
Lastly, if you run into tough questions, always grab your chin. It shows thoughtfulness and confidence at the same time. So much so that sometimes I ignore the question altogether, and the deal's done.
These are just a taste of the sales prowess that comes by partnering with a major marketing firm like Baffington & Sellers. Call today and let's begin selling.
Dear Internet Public,
Baffington & Sellers enters the 21st century with a new and powerful interactive format. While we continue to serve the greatest number of clients in the sunbelt region between Atlanta and Washington, D.C. with top-shelf interactive capabilities, we too see the need to engage in this new and powerful medium.
Enter Baffington & Sallers Online. A blossoming of technology, showcasing the very best our capabilities that continue to serve our core competencies. With every new Internet that we build for our clients, they continue see repeated success in all areas of marketing.
Our secret? We don't just build Internet sites—we build Extranets. Why settle for less? Our clients take advantage of our digital prowess and they no doubt average hundreds of "cyber" visitors per calendar month.
Please take this opportunity to enjoy a meander through our hallowed digital walls, and contact us to engage strategy for you.
Best Regards,
Matthew F. Baffington
