What’s In A Words?
“Considering Quality” with Vice President of Quality Control Bradford J. Kensington III
Volume 1: What’s In A Words?
Greetings, Inter-Net Republic.
My faithful assistant Annie informs me that once this hand-written essay leaves my desk, it will pass through a Computing Appliance into a series of distribution tubes, making its way to several other Computers, perhaps as far away as New York City. Bravo, Progress! We welcome you with open arms at Baffington and Sellers.
Today’s topic is the Power of the Written Word.
Recently our Executive Leadership Team has been re-imagining our firm’s core self-identifying tag-line, or “Brand Paragraph” as we in the ad game refer to it. In a well-meant but misguided gesture, someone from Creative suggested we open this process to the public audience congregated at our recently erected Inter-Net macrosite.
One of many ideas came from a Miss Betsy X.
I was just going to recommend,
Baffington & Sellers: “We do everything.”
I think it’s smashing, because it’s easily customized, enhanced and maximized (not unlike Baffington’s clients’ results). Also, don’t tell anyone that “everything” translates to “nothing”. That is monkey piddle. Clearly, everything means everything, and B&S does nothing short of it.
–Miss Betsy
With apologies to our readership, this sort of ham-fisted chicanery is exactly WRONG, and it begs a response. As I have just dotted the last i on our final, approved new slogan (due to appear very soon across B&S collateral), such duty falls to me. And I take it very seriously.
In that spirit, then:
Dear Betsy,
Superior writing is about WORDS, my dear girl, and lots of them. You have proposed a woefully inadequate total of three. Even now I chuckle into my martini napkin to think of it. Moreover, two of your three words–”we” and “do”–are exceedingly short and to the point.
You plainly have no grasp of the objective of marketing.
In my time with this firm, I have been personally involved with HUNDREDS of words crafted for the profitable benefit of such top-shelf clients as Pucker Pickles, Piney Mountain Hollow County Rural Water, and Dollar World. Furthermore, I have personally been witness to tens of millions of world-class advertisement campaigns during my six decades in the marketing realm.
I know Quality Wordcraftsmanship, Betsy. And high-quality writing simply DOES NOT include language like “do.” Next you will be suggesting the word “it”!
Have industry giants displayed such truncated, deficient verbiage in their branding efforts, Betsy? Mac-Donald? American Express? Milk?
WELL, NO.
NO Betsy. NEVER, Betsy.
I hope you now understand why the writing and creating is best left to those of Executive Intelligence. Good Day to you, Miss X.
And, good reader, Good Day to you as well.
–BJK III
[photo: Southernpixel]
6 Comments
What temerity is this?? Webmaster, please lock JAnderson’s Internet privileges immediately. And let him go while you’re at it.
Sir, unfortunately I can’t fire JAnderson, as he does not work here. I have blocked his IP.
Webmaster revoke your own access codes until tomorrow.
Dear Mister Kensington:
A wise woman once said to a wise man:
“We are drowning in words but starved for meaning.”
Not supposing myself to be the wise woman, but not denying you to be the wise man, I merely presume to point to possible excesses in a world as preoccupied with BREVITY as the one in which we find ourselves wandering this very moment. However, after counting to ten and breathing deeply, I’ve reconsidered my position and must admit my deeper realization that this self same world is just as (or more so!) preoccupied with LEVITY. As such, I must bend and nod in acknowledgment of your superior thought leadership on this most critical of Baffington & Sellers “brand” issues.
In short, Mister Kensington, I defer.
As for my hopes in regards to employment by Baffington & Sellers, I regret that I have been recently recruited for an irresistible position as Leader of Marketing at a revolutionary product company the title and mission of which must, for now, remain undisclosed. It might tickle you pink to know that it was the very suggestion I offered you (noted in your above post) that compelled them to contact me about the position in the first place. How serendipitous!
Mister Kensington et al: I wish you luck! I will continue to follow your progress indefinitely; at least until such time as I take up my new post, after which I expect to be very important. And preoccupied. And busy, too.
Cordially,
Miss Betsy
Miss Betsy, Mr. Kensington would like to thank you for proving his point so convincingly.
Clearly you could not write your way out of a news-paper bag.
Such traits as yours–wit, insight, and other such art-student hooey–have NO PLACE in the real world of dollars and sense.
Further, madame, it takes true leadership of Executive Quality to ensure that every last idea, so long as it originates with upper management, is implemented to the full in a final created work–be it a company branding slogan, graphic designment, or big screen comic-novel adaptation.
We wish you well in your new endeavor. Your resume will be kept on file for six months, after which time (should you wish to re-apply) you will need to submit a new full-length photo in order for us to ascertain if you have gained any weight.
Excuse me, but are you not aware that anyone may access your Private Area? Here is the conversation thread that I believe inspired Mr. Kensington’s post.