What is Internet?
Today’s question comes from Mr. Brett McCoy, in Charlotte:
“Maybe I missed something, or just don’t understand completely what the topic is about. So let me ask in hopes of not looking foolish - WHAT IS THE INTERNET?”
Mr. McCoy, thank you for your forthright vulnerability. It is a rather difficult concept and would benefit from 4-6 years of collegiate study to begin the understanding. This is why you must partner with the professionals, and we certainly welcome that partnership here at Baffington & Sellers.
The Internet, not to be confused with television or computers, is much like television on computers.
Before Internet was invented, computers were only used for processing words and launching missiles. America’s captains of industry wanted more. They wanted ubiquitous brand penetration and captioned images of felines.
Following in the footsteps of electronic-mail, Internet was invented in 2005 by the United States for the purposes of the leveraging the magic of computers, greasing the gears of commerce, and securing our lead in technology against the Communists.
Now, I understand more than anyone, that Internet is a difficult concept to grasp at first glance. Think of it as the “third dial” on the television set, bypassing the capacity of UHF. Think of it as radio with animations and textings. Think of it as a nearly portable moving picture studio supernaturally joined to dozens of cinematic projecting devices. In Panasound and Technicolor!
Internet is regulated by the FCC. In order to initiate communications over Internet, a license must be granted by an authorized registrar. Right now there are two registrars in the United States: Microsoft and Linux.
Leaders in technology now leverage Internet on an almost daily basis. How? They establish sites, or “basecamps”, on Internet that allow for communication. These sites require an FCC Domain Function, an “Inter Professional address” and a standard operating broadcast tower of no less than one hundred and forty yards in height.
The five levels of sites are:
- Level 1: Microsite
- Level 2: Minisite
- Level 3: Intranet (”Macrosite” in the technical vernacular)
- Level 4: Internet
- Level 5: Extranet
In 2007, The Google Corporation purchased Internet. With this acquisition, Google has brought the broadcast of Internet to the masses. Affluent American citizens (perhaps much like yourself) can now view what was once reserved for corporate America and our Military.
Today, what really makes Americans so gay about Internet is its ability to communicate and allow for the factual flow of information. Thus, the idea of using Internet as a tool for reaching consumers is most cutting edge. It is no game, good sir. No game. In this era’s cutthroat Internets of YourTubes, FaceBanks, and Electronic-Bays, we can scarce afford it such frivolous status as gamery.
In 2009, Baffington & Sellers quantum jumps to the fore as one of the first leaders in the industry to harness the power of Internet for the purposes of marketing. This is nothing new for our firm–we were one of the first to tame the radio waves.
As always, if you have further questions please initiate communications with our Internet anytime.
[photo: monoglot]
6 Comments
Thank you for your eager willingness to become educated. However, you naively speak of things that do not exist, that have not happened, that epitomize exactly the sort of falsehood which so hinders this great American economy.
You see, Click, there are no “gates” to Internet other than the twin swinging metaphysical doors of monetary qualification and the United States Government’s good sense. Furthermore, it is currently the Year of our Nation 2009. Perhaps by 8791 the Supreme Court will install strong gates and attending buttresses around Internet. We can only hope so.
It seems a history lesson is in order.
In 2000, Vice President Albus Gore failed to win his political party’s endorsement as Presidential Candidate. Like so many thwarted Communists before him, he turned to Mother Commerce to comfort his wounds. Soon he found himself in need of many paper mills to provide pulp and grist for his written works, and the power of a hundred generators to electrify his growing Compound of Capitalism in the Grand State of Tennessee.
Dr. Gore sought out his old associates in the Secret Service, and together they clandestinely spearheaded a movement to invent Internet. When shown an embryonic blueprint of Internet, Vice President Dick Cheney saw the potential to use Internet as a mechanism to transport oil from his operation in Texas out across the land to regions as far away as the Upper South West (Nevada). Thus an altruistic partnership–one based on pure humanitarian motives and transcending political ambitions–was born.
Truly it was a King’s Age of progress. Development continued apace, utilizing the brightest minds from America’s Community Colleges and Technical Institutes. They in turn were told they were working on a cure for nepotism.
In 2005 Internet vaulted forth fully-formed from a White House laboratory, and soon there were tens of Internets all around America advocating personal music, cataloging personal videography collections, and espousing personal opinions via We Bloggings and E-Pods.
We at Baffington and Sellers became convinced of this powerful emerging technology’s potential for marketing prowess shortly before Christmas 2007. Our leadership promptly cancelled all vacations for Creative and Technical staff and set them to work implementing ideas generated from a landmark hourlong brainstorming session. One year and four months later we find ourselves once again at the very top of the marketing heap, as our Internet, “http://www.baffingtonandsellers.com,” winsomely demonstrates.
Internet–and Internets–is and are now our business, Mr. Optimize. Your legal counsel may contact us with all due haste, and we will gladly make our Internets your business as well.
Mr Baffington,
Balderdash! As general counsel for Click Optimize and Associates, I would like to respond. Since earning my dual degree in Internet Law and phrenology from the prestigious University of Phoenix Law School, I have had the opportunity to practice law in the 48 contiguous states where Internet is available. While I am an extremely busy individual, you have left me no choice but to challenge your most recent blogging. However, due to section 8.2 of the Internet Manifest Destiny and Cohabitation Act, I am unable to respond via this comment box. Please contact me at your earliest convenience from a secured landline. Be sure to have your stenographer or teletypist handy to transcribe our exchange. For the time being, this conversation is over!
The following ill-conceved, overcooked criticism has been edited by B&S staff for brevity, clarity, and readability. It is part and parcel of B&S Privacy Policy that no published correspondence from either compatriot or adversary shall exceed the length of that which it responds to. Baffington and Sellers retains the advantage yet again.
Dear Sirs,
On a recent excursion to my mountain resort home, my great-great grandson, G. Theobald Throckmorton Frickingham, IV, brought along his McIntosh computation device, much to our dismay. He even brought the blasted device to the dinner table, upon which time he began spewing nonsense about “Internets” and “Microsites” and other similar hogwash.
His manservant eventually ascertained that the boy learned of this humbuggery as a result of viewing the Baffington and Sellers “public Website page.”
Sirs, I find your promotion of this newfangled witchery to be most disconcerting, especially when it poisons the ripe, impressionable minds of our youth—not unlike that horrible epidemic of Absinthe abuse, which has swept our fair nation as of late. Damn that “green faerie,” and damn your “Internets,” gentlemen!
I urge you as an upstanding citizen and one of the last living members of The Bull Moose Party (ol’ Teddy is rolling in his grave at the current state of things, I am certain) to cease and desist promoting this evil institution of the “Internets.”
Remember The Maine,
F. Barton Throckmorton, IX
We in the writing and editing business refer to communicators like Mr. Throckmorton, IX, as “job security.”
B&S Webmaster revoking public site access codes for Copy Editor as directed.
Thank you for this explanation. I would like to commence usage for internet. With the recent takeover of internet by The Google I am worried that my previous license issued from one William Henry Gates III on 8/7/91 is no longer the currency of the day. I fear infection by this Web 2.0 virus I have heard much ado about as a result. Do I need to transfer ownership to retain broadcast clearance? I have my attorney waiting for your reply.